So! It's finally here. The final day of not knowing my fate. Tomorrow afternoon I shall meet with Mr Neurosurgeon (he's a mister, I'm not being sexist and am sure there are many super Mrs Neurosurgeons out there!).
This is the third appointment I have been given, as unfortunately my case is rather rare and the Team of Neurosurgeons have all reviewed my reports and are now set to see me!
People ask me all the time if I'm worried? Nervous? Scared? I am worried but not as you'd expect. let me explain....
You see, since Gremlin parked his butt slap bang in the centre of my grey matter, he has granted me this rather odd talent for using the TOTALLY incorrect word when I'm speaking to someone. It rarely relates to the subject either lol! For instance, on a trip to a garden centre a couple of weeks ago with a very good friend (she picked me up in her car so we could "do lunch", as I hadn't been out of the house for days) I remarked how much I liked "the colour of that crayon over there". Cue puzzled looks from friend which I repayed with equally puzzled look before asking her what the matter was. She pointed out I'd referred to a plant as a crayon and I laughed out loud thinking she'd gone totally bonkers! Haha! But alas, she assured me I'd said crayon. I honestly never even realise when I use such random words and truly do believe I've said the correct word, which in this case was plant not crayon. So I am worried about saying something equally embarrassing tomorrow to Mr Neuro hehe! I can see it now! I'll probably ask him how many other cars he's operated on or something! Noooooooo! So that is one worry I have.
I also worry that I will have to wait a long period of time from seeing him tomorrow until having the decided treatment. Don't get me wrong, I've adapted to this waiting game malarky pretty well. It's not the actual wait that is the issue, rather the fact that I am now in a constant state of uselessness. Much of my days are spent with my eyes closed as it is just too painful to keep them open. I can't look someone in the eye when I speak to them as I simply cannot focus on their face properly. My eyes feel like they are in a constant "tug of war" and want to do silly things like give me double and blurry vision. So I often close them for a while which is just not practical as you can imagine! The pain in my head is, at best, unbearable and, at worst like some form of ancient torture. Ironically your instinct tells you to go and lay down but this only intensifies the pain immediately. As a result my head now feels like a canonball resting itself awkwardly atop my neck. So, yes, I am worried about being left like this for much longer.
My biggest worry is that my L'Occitane delivery will arrive tomorrow whilst I'm miles away!! I'm REALLY looking forward to receiving it all! Hehe!
Am I worried about surgery, radiotherapy, the aftermath of all this? No. Not yet. I will think about these things when I know what my planned treatment will be. For now I will just worry about getting through another night of exploding head pain before I get to meet Mr Neuro tomorrow.
Until then, please enjoy one of my all time favourite songs. Not only is it truly an excellent song (no instruments were used whatsoever) but it really does represent how I feel. If the Gremlin ever tries to make me feel sad I just blast this out and send it's hairy arse packing..... :)
See you all when I get back!!! Be happy peeps! Mwah! xxxx